As the weather cools down and winter approaches, many of us worry about those who can’t survive in the dipping temperatures. The Elmo’s brothers are similarly concerned. Last Tuesday they spotted Tyler who was freshman roommates with one of their members, Cody. Tyler was walking around in a brandless coat. “Where are his Patagonias? His Canada Goose jackets?” Cody further reported seeing disturbingly poor behavior from Tyler. “He does his own laundry, and he goes the FFC to eat everyday. He doesn’t even go out for lunch.”

Even more worrying is that by stalking Tyler, the frat discovered that he only has one apartment.  It’s in 9 East. Where is he going to go, they wondered if he’s walking home from Bloomberg. How is he going to rest by a fireplace halfway through his journey? He doesn’t even have a driver. “I’ve seen him taking the JHMI,” George hissed, an Elmo’s junior majoring in nepotism. This was met with concerned agreement. 

Out of the good of their shriveled hearts, Elmo’s has decided to donate all the coats they’ve worn once from their closets to their friend Tyler. They even set up a “Coat Drive for the Poor” on the beach last Thursday. This quickly attracted the attention of good Samaritans who rushed to donate their old coats to needy people.

Once they had amassed 807 coats, Elmo’s delivered them to the poor. The one poor. Tyler. “This is so nice!” Tyler said. “But I already have a coat.”

“No, now you have eight hundred and eight coats!” Cody said. “I personally have 1484, but this should be okay for you for now.”

The Elmo’s brothers then helped Tyler try on all of the coats, one by one piling them onto his frail body. The mountain of coats around Tyler’s frame grew and grew so that he stood 50 feet tall on top of it with his arms forcibly stretched into a T from the pressure of the sleeves. He radiated power, love, and warmth. And, as the sun set behind him, the golden rays created a halo around his head.

Tyler died that day because it was seventy fucking degrees and he was immobilized by the sheer shit ton of coat on his body. His mummified corpse serves as a reminder to all to ignore the poor.