Baltimore, MD – With the closure of the MSE for repairs, the cold weather, and exam season upon us, students everywhere are on the hunt for their next study spot. Recently, reporters at The Black and Blue Jay had the opportunity to sit down with JHU admin to discuss the hottest new study location: the Bloomberg Student Center.

During this sitdown, administrators were horrified to learn that students at a ranked “Top 10 grindiest University in America” were trying to study in the Stuce. According to Dr. Beige, Dean of Students at John Hopkins, the Stuce was built to be “a hub for student life, not another bum-ass study spot for these sweaty premeds.” Adding on to Dr. Beige’s statement, Dr. Bronze, Associate Vice Provost for Student Engagement, clarified that “we tried literally everything to ensure discomfort for students attempting to study. Tables? At knee level. Power plugs? Few and far between. Studying? Please don’t fucking do that here??”

Despite the measures already in place, Dr. Beige recently greenlit construction processes to install even more hostile architecture. In the coming weeks, Dr. Beige tells Black and Blue Jay reporters, contractors will begin installing spikes, chair rails, and high frequency speakers to deter any potential 4.0 GPA hopefuls.

“We’ve commissioned the APL to produce state of the art, IRB-approved anti-studying spikes. I want sloped seats where only one cheek can fit at a time. Comfy chairs? Not in this house. I want students to feel dread in their hearts when they try to plug in their chargers.” 

Dr. Beige continued for another 15 minutes describing the joy in her heart when she sees an inconvenienced student. When asked about potentially making the Stuce a study space for Midterm or Finals season, Dr. Bronze looked at BNBJ reporters with utter disdain and abject horror.

At the end of the sitdown, Dr. Beige was seen gleefully scheduling the next Stuce DJ, featuring a playlist of exclusively 2010s earworm medleys.

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