As we enter week 14 of midterm season, tensions are at an all time high. Gradebooks are filling up, and many of us can no longer pretend that we aren’t failing Physics I. But last week, these tensions culminated in a tragic outcome none of us could have anticipated. 

During a particularly high stakes examination in Hodson 110, an unfortunate student by the name of Bernie Norwood—or, as his professor called him, “Disruptive Piece of Shit”—felt a tickle in his nose. Before he could catch his blunder, snot exploded from his nostrils with a thunderous “ACHOO”. All heads turned on Bernie. His oily face went aghast as two hands gripped his arms and steered him down the aisle and through the door, removing the Distraction. Unfortunately for the rest of the class, their concentration was interrupted again just minutes later by a loud gunshot coming from behind the building.

After the exam, the building was buzzing with questions from Bernie’s classmates:

“What’d you guys get on number 3?”

“Wait, there was a sixth page?”

“Why is the ground so sticky?”

When asked for a comment on the situation, the professor simply said “they call it a weed out class for a reason”.

Although Bernie was now in the big classroom in the sky, the TAs decided to grade his exam out of respect (and a desire for extra hours). To their surprise, Bernie scored an impressive 72% despite not finishing the exam, giving him the third highest grade in the class. 

Naturally, this was added to the curve so he could continue to inconvenience his classmates, even in death.