This past week, on a 53 degree afternoon, Florida-based sophomore Brent Walkwood was walking towards Brody in a parka and snow boots, calling his parents.
“Please mom. Take me home! It’s so cold here! Today’s high is only 53 degrees,” he begged.
On Brody Terrace, sunning himself in a tank top and shorts, Minnesota-based junior Paul Bunnion overheard his complaints. He stood up, grabbed Brent’s cell phone and crushed it to dust in his bare hands. “You think this is cold, dude? Right now it’s -24 degrees in Minnesota.”
“Hey! You owe me a new phone, asshole. Also dude, its 53 degrees, that doesn’t mean I’m not cold,” Brent responded.
“It’s so cold in Minnesota, I’ve never worn a coat at Hopkins.”
“In Minnesota, we all live in igloos. We have no other materials. They don’t even have central heating.”
“Jeez, sounds bad man.”
“My dad’s a literally yeti.”
“I get it, my dad has a lot of body hair too.”
“No, he’s literally the abominable snowman. He’s been on the run for 20 years.”
Brent doesn’t know how to respond.
“I’ve had to shove snow up my ass just to survive,” Paul tearfully confesses unprompted.
“How would that even help?” Brent implores.
“I’ll show you why!” Paul reaches up his short shorts and grabs a handful of snow and smears it all over Brent’s parka. Instinctively, Brent throws his now-lukewarm hot chocolate onto Paul.
“Oh god. It’s so hot. I’m melting!!” Paul slowly wilts into a puddle at Brent’s feet, who carries on as if nothing happened.