Last week at the Student Involvement Fair, students across Hopkins got a chance to learn about some of the many wonderful registered student organizations that LEED wants you to know about. But, unbeknownst to most, there exists a secret menu of dank clubs and mostly-legal societies that never make it to SIF. As Hopkins’s most esteemed (and most steamy) community leader, the Black and Blue Jay has been asked to use our platform for good for once, through the power of paid sponsorship. So, whether you’re looking to find a community or build your resume, here are some clubs to check out.

Alcoholics Conspicuous

Be brave and take the first step by admitting you have a problem. Then, take it one step further by joining with your fellow brothers in booze to drink until even your sweat tastes like cheap vodka! Attend workshops on exciting topics like “how to order from uni mini when the room is spinning”, and hear guest lectures from experts in the field, like your father. This club is also known as “Phi Psi”.

Meetings: Check Facebook for deets

Pre-Unemployed Association

This professionally unprofessional organization is a great addition to your (frankly embarrassingly empty) resume. Because no, you can’t put that one thing you did in high school on your resume for the rest of your life. Yes, I’m sorry you peaked at the ripe age of seventeen. Get over it. Additionally, joining this organization counts as Independent Study for the Writing Seminars major and the Visual Arts minor. This semester’s exciting guest speaker is, once again, your father.

Meetings: Saturdays, 5PM, Krieger 302

Arson Club

This is the hottest club on campus right now, and it’s spreading like wildfire! Light up and get lit with a group of students that your grandmother would surely refer to as ‘hooligans’. There will also be a field trip this summer to the Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Paris, where you’ll have the chance to apply everything you’ve learned over the course of the semester! Just maybe don’t put this one on your med school apps.

Meetings: Location TBD (Totally Burned Down) 

Styrofoam-Eating Club

It’s all in the name with this one. Learn foraging skills from expert raccoons! Share recipes with fellow styrofoam enthusiasts! Become the Joey Chestnut of styrofoam and finally make your parents proud by participating in their Annual Speed-Eating Tournament! This club is great for pre-meds and pre-patients alike.

Meetings: Fridays, 7-8PM, Krieger 307

Emergency Response to Styrofoam-Eating Club Club

A perfect club for pre-meds looking for some hands-on experience and other HERO rejects. Required attendance at Styrofoam-Eating Club’s Annual Speed-Eating Tournament.

Meetings: Fridays, 7-8PM, Krieger 308

Filler Club

A great option for anyone looking to space out lists of clubs for optimal flow and comedic value.

Meetings: Between Emergency Response to Styrofoam-Eating Club Club and _{asmr club}

asmr club

*click click* *tap tap* *unintelligible whispering*

Meetings: every day, 1 a.m.,  inside your apartment

YELLING CLUB!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MEETINGS: EVERY DAY, 2AM, OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT

The Black and Blue Jay

Nine out of ten dentists recommend this club! One out of ten dentists were found dead in an alley!

Meetings: Saturdays, 5PM, Krieger 302* 🙂

*in collaboration with Pre-Unemployed Association