As you probably didn’t know, acapella concert season is almost upon us. Chances are, at least one of your friends is a part of one of the 14 acapella groups on campus, and chances are they’ll want you to attend the concert they practiced all semester for. Luckily, we and The Black and Blue Jay are here to give you a chance at salvation from the doot-doos and the oo-wahs. Here are a few excuses to use to get out of going to your friend’s acapella concert without breaking their little artist heart.

• I have to wash my soap
• I have to walk my goldfish
• Hi, this is _____’s mother. This morning they went into a coma brought on by auto-erotic asphyxiation. Their last wish was to tell you good luck at your concert tonight, as they will not be attending.
• I might sing along and I can’t break my mewing streak
• Oh my god when you said acapella I thought you said Archipelago. I am currently in the Bahamas
• I’m trying to escape prison so I can make it, but the clap of my asscheeks keeps alerting the guards
• I really want to but I’m on hour 200 of a One Piece watch-through and I can’t stop now
• I have EXPLOSIVE diarrhea. Like running everywhere. Like my dorm is a swamp and I am Shrek in a shit bath
• I have to study for my prostate exam
• I’m baked as hell and the spiders on the walls wont let me leave
• An acapella group killed my father.
• My fellowship and I are on a quest to deliver The One Ring to the land of Mordor and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom from whence it came, so I think I’m gonna have to take a raincheck
• Unfortunately, I do not want to.

In case these outs don’t work for you (and in case any acapella doers are reading this and considering rising against us unless we appease them), here’s the schedule for spring concerts this year. Who knows, maybe they’ll actually be good.