You’ve probably seen those “Hopkins Groups Events” emails spamming up your inbox. You may have also noticed that many of them contain clinical trials you can join if you’re looking to get a little extra cash or finally experience the feeling of being wanted. For some reason, one lab in particular has reached out to us at The Black and Blue Jay and asked us to promote their research study. Here are the details.

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Title: Experiential Study in Dopamine-Driven Behaviors Linked to Diacetylmorphine

Summary: Do you have chronic ligma? Are you bad at parallel parking? Is your maternal grandmother’s name Eustace? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be entitled to financial compensation eligible to participate in a research study!

Full Text: The Drug Exploration and Longitudinal Research (DEALR) Lab is looking for volunteers to participate in a research study that involves exploring the addictive properties of diacetylmorphine, a compound colloquially known as dope, smack, skag, junk, H, horse, that good stuff, and, on occasion, “heroin”. The study may take anywhere between two weeks and 25 years, depending on the participant’s level of “enthusiasm”, and requires at least three visits to that one alleyway between Streets and Ajumma.

At each visit, participants will be greeted by our lab technician in a dark hoodie and black jeans, who will administer the study. Participants will receive an injection of 100mg of diacetylmorphine and be monitored for any side effects. Side effects may include euphoria, increased social status, obtention of mad bitches, releasing your inhibitions, and feeling the rain on your skin. Note that before being administered the drug, subjects will be searched for wires, checked for lice, frisked (sensually), and given a lollipop for being so brave.

Subjects are required to complete at least three administration sessions but are encouraged to come back as many times as that little voice in their heads tells them to. After the first three visits, participants will receive a $5 Toys R Us gift card and a half-eaten can of SPAM®. For all visits after, participants will receive a $20 Venmo payment request. 

For more information, contact Dr. Key at junkey@hotmail.edu

Principal Investigator: June Key, MD, PhD, LSD, MDMA