Gilman Clock Tower to Go Digital

In a surprising move, the Johns Hopkins University administration has decided that the beloved clock tower on top of Gilman Hall will undergo renovation to turn digital. This upgrade is just one of many modernizations that the school plans on going through as part of Hopkins’ new initiative dubbed Bringing Us To Tomorrow’s Standards, or BUTTS.

“Oh yes, we love BUTTS,” commented project chairperson Pat Stevens. “We’re living in a modern age, and students want to go to a modern college. Do you think Harvard and Yale still have analog clock towers? Please. Once we’ve finished our work with BUTTS, we will truly be a campus of the future.”

With all of the transformations happening at Homewood, from the seemingly endless construction on N. Charles street to the completely necessary revision of the JHU seal, many people have opinions about this change to the oldest and perhaps most beloved building on campus.  Some have argued that this isn’t just a campus issue, this is an upsetting result of the trend that every university has been undertaking: to go completely digital. “Now all of our books are going to be in the cloud? What the fuck is the cloud, anyway?” said junior and Writing Seminars major Dick Swatch.

The possible disappearance of the iconic clock has left students heavily divided. The most vocal of these groups have been yelling disparaging comments at both Garland and Mason Hall during the daylight hours, organizing sit ins at the Hut during crucial study periods, and signing a very aggressively-worded petition. The second group has met this change with shocking apathy and doesn’t seem to “give two shits about the matter,” as one student, on his way to chem lab, put it.


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