With the semester having come to a close, we here at BNBJ have been looking back on all the good times we’ve had together. From planning the opening of our OnlyFans to analyzing the results of our roommate quiz, this semester has been one to remember. In classic BNBJ fashion, we want to take this opportunity to reminisce on the article ideas that never saw the light of day. Here are our Spring ‘23 rejected headlines.

Desiigner Charged With Indecent Exposure For Masturbating On Plane, Call That Shit ‘High-Jacking’

• Reason for rejecting: Actually happened

Tucker Carlson Asked to Leave Fox News After Scandalous Affair With Green M&M

• Reason for rejecting: Actually happened

4Chan Neo Nazis Discover 21 Jump Street, Antisemitism Rate Drops To Zero

• Reason for rejecting: Chris is still antisemitic

Blue Jay Bird Bath: My Steamy Experience in the Koi Pond

• Reason for rejecting: Too busy watching fish porn Writer’s block

Giant Offering Free Groceries To Anyone That Can Run Faster Than Security

• Reason for rejecting: We weren’t fast enough

CharMar Condom Mukbang

• Reason for rejecting: Still reviewing

Student Center Construction Halted For Erection of Super Duper Evil Tower (ahhhh!)

• Reason for rejecting: Half of writers were too scared, other half was too busy laughing at “erection”

Frat Hazing Leaked: Recruits Forced to Go to Saint Paul Chipotle Ten Minutes Before Closing

• Reason for rejecting: I didn’t want the secret to spread, but if you order through the app at inconvenient times, chances are they’ll be out of something you ordered right? So if you make a claim online saying they missed parts of your order they’ll give you a free entrée and you can just do that forever. I haven’t paid for food in 2 months and my bowels have never been worse. 

Student Shows Up To Class 15 Minutes Late, Professor Legally Allowed to Leave

• Reason for rejecting: Reporter was late to the interview and the professor was nowhere to be found

Thanks for a great semester, catch y’all on the flip side