The Definitive Guide to Valentine’s Day: FAQs

It is widely believed Valentine’s Day marks the beginning of the feast of St. Valentine, during which something happens with crippled epileptic children, bee keepers, and priests. That’s as far as we read on the Wikipedia page.

How should I celebrate Valentine’s Day?

If you have a significant other, tenderly fill them with chocolate, wine, and other delicacies. Then cover them with roses for aesthetic value. Finally, heat to 300 degrees and let sit for 2-3 hours before consuming. If you don’t have a significant other, bourbon and Netflix are acceptable substitutes.

Why should I celebrate Valentine’s Day?

To please Pope Gelasius I, who declared in the Martyrologium Hieronymianum that this day should be one of feasting (we scrolled a bit farther down).

How often is Valentine’s Day?

Every day for the pure of heart. For everyone else, once a fiscal quarter, providing the previous three and following three fiscal quarters were/are skipped.

I don’t have a date. How do I find one?

Oh honey, it doesn’t matter if you have a date. Your father and I love you very much.

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