BALITMORE, MD – For many Hopkins students, it’s something of a daily ritual – you open your Outlook, possibly to do something important like spamming “refresh” to see if your exam results have dropped (they haven’t), when the application cheerily informs you that you’ve been signed out. No worries, you can usually guess your password in under eight tries – but, now the website is requesting two factor authentication via email or phone number. 

“Outlook,” you plead, “I have authenticated myself literally every single day this past year. Please just let me see my emails.” 

“Who the fuck are you, I’ve never seen you before in my life, ” replies Outlook, before sending you off to confirm that yes, you really are a Hopkins student and not a nascent hacker or opportunistic Nigerian prince. 

The subsequent rigamarole can rob you of precious seconds, sometimes even minutes, as you brush the Dorito dust off your screen and navigate to the messages app in search of your dear six digit code.

At the Black and Blue Jay, we know how much you value your time, and so below we have crafted an indispensable list of five tips to make up the time lost during your two factor authentication process.

Tip 1: Pythagorean Theorem applied

When getting from one side of a quad to the other, *always* cut across the grass. Walkways are merely a suggestion. Never forget that foot based transportation is inherently a free-for-all! 

PRO TIP: This also applies to crossing roads – cars usually try not to hit you!

Tip 2: Optimized Laundry Collection 

Still doing your own laundry? Time loss! Skip the lengthy loading and unloading process by taking any batch from a random dryer. They’ll never know – plus, you free up a dryer for a student in need! 

Tip 3: Adopt Swiss Hospitality Methods

Hopkins students have a tendency to hold doors for each other. Be the exception! You’re too busy for that shit anyways.

Tip 4: Nature’s Utensils

Despite how it may seem, there are actually no rules requiring you to use a fork in the dining hall. Evolution blessed you with two perfectly good 5-pronged forks, so skip the silverware line and dig in!

Tip 5: Narcolepsy

You already sleep in lectures – now think outside the box. If you can slump over at the right angle, you can catch Z’s in seminars, at your lab bench, or during conversations with boring friends. Bonus points if you can turn your snores into attentive sounding “hmm”’s! 

With these tips, go forth, and reclaim your precious minutes! Keep checking those emails, and stay tuned with the Black and Blue Jay for more unparalleled insights.