In an Ironic Twist of Applied Ambition, Local Freshman Sets Out to be Biggest Stoner Hopkins Has Ever Seen  

Recent reports indicate freshman Juan Perkinson has decided to “really make [his] time here meaningful” by attempting to become the biggest stoner Hopkins has ever seen.

“Attending Johns Hopkins is a really special and unique opportunity, one that I don’t intend to waste. That’s why I start every day the same way: with a toke, some Domino’s pizza, and a few hours of Rainbow Road on Mario Kart 64. Once I’m done it’s like 5pm so I take another toke and a quick nap, and then I go out with some of my buds to Wyman Park to hang. Last night we held a séance while listening to Vampire Weekend. I feel like I really connected with my great-grandfather, which is freaky cause, like, he still lives in Florida.”

“My schedule wasn’t always like that though,” Perkinson continued unprompted, “I used to think I could just casually hit the biggest stoner mark while still participating in other academic clubs, like Hopkins Hosting Society or the Tutorial Project. But then I realized if I was going to do this it would take some serious work. It’s like my father always told me: ‘Either commit 100% or don’t commit at all.’ Basically, what I’m trying to say is…” takes a hit and shoves a brownie down his throat “being the biggest stoner ever isn’t something you can just do. It’s a lifestyle, like being a frat brother or someone who goes to class. I even had to move out of my dorm room into my friend’s apartment so I could smoke more. You can’t half ass it. It’s like my father always told me…”

When asked about his concerns over the competitive atmosphere of Hopkins, Perkinson replied:

“Yea. I mean, I know I’ve got, like, some stiff competition and all. But I think I can do this pretty easily.” Pauses to light a joint. “Sure, there were some greats here: Mr. StarStuff [Adam Reiss], Ol’ ‘Blooming Bud’ [Michael Bloomberg], Rabbi Arthur Hertzberg, ‘Blazing Bud’ [Wolf Blitzer], Woodie [Woodrow Wilson], you get the idea. But they all lacked one thing that I happen to have.”

Perkinson paused as he removed a gravity bong from his closet.

“A passion for making a real impact on the world.”

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