Over the Labor Day weekend, sophomore dorm Charles Commons suffered a series of seemingly unexplained disturbances. It began with a flood on the 12th floor which dripped all the way to the ground, ruining several apartments. While rumor has it that a resident caused the watery deluge by pulling down his sprinkler, it seems upon further investigation that there is much more going on in Charles Village than just a mischievous youth.
For example, the newfound water short-circuited an appliance, starting a fire. It seemed to some residents as if someone wanted Charles Commons out of the way. But it didn’t stop there. Residents of apartment 419 reported an infestation of locusts feasting on their ramen supply. Maintenance took care of the locust problem and thought that the building was in the clear.
Then on Tuesday night, Nolan’s served lamb chops. The next day, 113 students reported food poisoning. (However, this is only about 50 more than average.) Furthermore, a slew of students reported “burning bushes” to HelWell, but it turned out they all just had crabs.
No one is sure who or what to blame for these mysterious plagues on a building once referred to as “a disgusting miscarriage of tuition dollars.” Our resident poltergeist expert, Dr. Ben Carson, has coined this phenomenon,“Passover Part II; God Goes to College.” He added, “These acts have the Almighty written all over them.” The management of the New Building is taking precautions, saying their property bears “an eerie structural resemblance” to the plagued Commons. The management added, “At least Commons is firstborn.”