Across the US, anticipation was higher than ever for the Powerball drawing, the jackpot of which had reached an unprecedented 1.6 Billion dollars. Lines stretched around corners as people bought tickets in hopes of a payout that could instantly launch them into the highest strata of the American wealthy. Last night the drawing produced a winner, Southern California resident Amy Valens, a senior at Johns Hopkins.

Valens received the news in the D-Level of the library, where she reportedly celebrated silently and then got back to work. “I just got my textbook for next semester and I have to get started studying if I want to get into med school,” she explained.

When asked what she would do with her winnings, Valens sighed and said, “Well, after federal and state taxes, paying off my student loans, paying for my studio apartment and my basic meal plan, and this coming semester of school, I will, let’s see, still be about 20,000 dollars in debt.”

Valens parents are more optimistic, however. Her father Jake Valens says, “It’s a miracle really! I thought I was going to have to pay for Hopkins all by myself, but now I won’t have to remortgage my house. Again.”

He says now that his daughter is almost self-sufficient, he may have enough money to send his younger child to community college.