Nobody truly knows what the future holds… except us! Here’s a sneak peek at some headlines of the articles we will definitely, certainly be writing next semester.

1. Hopkins Hires 6th Black Professor After Firing Other 5 Black Professors
2. Cat Breeding Operation Uncovered in McCoy Hall
3. What To Eat At the Newly Renovated Unimini
4. Administrator Renounces Gentrification While Standing Outside New Remmington Smoothie Bar
5. Shiver Hall is a Motel 6 Now
6. Planet of the Ames: Ames Hall Research Monkeys Strike for a 5 Day Work Week
7. Homewood Campus Lain Low By Ankle-Chin-Anus Disease
8. Adam from “Adam!” Vine to Speak at FAS symposium
9. Furries Spotted on Keyser Quad
10. What To Do If The Ominous Unblinking Eyeball That Floats In The Shadows of the FFC Sits Down Next To You at Sterling Brunch
11. HelWell Orders Record Ten Condoms For Valentine’s Day
12. Lax Team Implicated In Ponzi Scheme
13. How To Make The Most Of Your Government-Issued Scream Pillow
14. Campus Web Searches For “How Does Lacrosse Work” Spike Around Homecoming Season     
15. Op-Ed: Sex In The Age Of President Pence
16. Man Built from Stacks of Bloomberg Money Announced as Spring Fair Headliner
17. New Intersession Study Abroad Program Chaperones Students to Olin Hall
18. RA’s Strike; No One Notices
19. Yeah, Right: Hopkins Student “Giving Up Sex” for Lent
20. Blue Jay Mascot Flies Away