Dear Mr. Bloomberg,

We at the Black and Blue Jay were awestruck by your recent donation of 1.8 billion dollars to Johns Hopkins University. We trust that the administration will distribute this money effectively and transparently, since that’s definitely what they’ve always done with their new initiatives in the past.

However, just in case they don’t live up to this totally reasonable goal, we have a backup option: a second donation, also of 1.8 billion dollars, to your friendly neighborhood comedy writers at the Black and Blue Jay. This ragtag team of mentally ill bisexuals will put your money to work by investing in a variety of fascinating items. For example, 1.8 billion dollars can buy:

• 191 million pounds of pickled pigs feet
• 180 million rubber nipples
• 1,285 self-destructing Banksy paintings
• Every Gutenberg Bible
• 11,250,000 pregnant Barbies
• 7.56 billion individual Eggo toaster waffles
• The weight of 6 adult male killer whales in gold
• The town of Albert Texas, 720 times
• 5 Hope Diamonds
• Half of Donald J. Trump, by net worth (we pick the left half)
• One friend for the college Republicans (link unavailable; we haven’t found one yet)
• 38 Eiffel Towers of average-height luxury escorts, stacked
• One ugly yacht
• 151 million pairs of fuzzy handcuffs
• 40 Bjorks…  but only 13 Enyas
• The microstate of San Marino (spring break!)
• Fixing the Flint water crisis 4.5 times (maybe you should have thought of this one)
• All 5 versions of Edvard Munch’s The Scream
• 1,800 “small loans” of one million dollars

We have put a great amount of diligent thought, and a whole lot of phone-calculator math, into our plans for this hypothetical gift of an absolutely absurd amount of money. Now it’s up to you to make our dreams come true, with a gift guaranteed to be spent enthusiastically, recklessly, and immediately.

Awaiting your cheque,

The Black and Blue Jay