GILMAN QUAD– The Black and Blue Jay has uncovered a series of emails left unsent from a phone found outside the shattered husk of Gilman Hall. We present them here below.
5:00pm—Dear Homewood Students, Faculty, and Staff,
We are continuing to assess the situation in Gilman Hall that developed overnight last night. Our staff had been drying the affected equipment with hair dryers—when that didn’t work, they started using wads of paper money generously donated by Michael Bloomberg for specifically this purpose. Thank you Michael. The electrical board is still non-functional, so we will update in 3-4 hours with any developments.
5:05pm—Hi Homewood Students, Staff, and Whoever,
We really lied about that 3-4 hour thing. As we cleaned, the paper money caught fire in our hands and several of our employees have serious burns. Mr. Bloomberg has refused to replace our “cleaning supplies” as he is buying a 25th helicopter for his dog. Michael, if you’re reading this, call us. We will update later with any developments.
6:15pm—Dear Homewood Students,
We are writing to ask that BME majors please stop showing up to Gilman Hall. We called upon electrical engineering faculty, but a lot of you seem to think you know more than tenured professors. The overcrowding situation in the electrical room is causing a fire hazard, in addition to the fire hazard that was already there in the form of the broken electrical board. Please go home. To everyone else, we will update later.
Upon sending the previous email, we noticed that outside Gilman hall, a bunch of classics students and a few crying MFA’s have set up a vigil in memory of the affected electrical board. We cannot express enough how lame this is.
8:23pm– Dear kiddos,
Good news! The electrical board in Gilman is completely free of water. Unfortunately, this is because the building itself has caught fire and is currently illuminating the better part of eastern Hampden. We suspect the fire started when a lost philosophy grad student attempted to light his cigarette on the now-working circuit board, but dropped it when he realized his BIRD scooter was being stolen by the classics majors outside. We, and the Baltimore Fire Department, will update later if we make it out alive.
I have seized control of the Facilities manager’s email account to clear my good name. I am Philosophy MA Jacques Harold, but you can call me White Raven. I absolutely did NOT start the Gilman fire, and even if I did, it would be nothing compared to the fires of society burning down our
9:09pm—Hello Homewood Students, Faculty, and Staff,
Jacques Harold is in custody. The Baltimore Fire Department has managed to put out the fire in Gilman Hall, but unfortunately their hoses flooded the electrical board again. We are now putting out an all-call to any student (or prospective student, because who the fuck cares at this point) who thinks they can solve this issue for us. Have at it. Bye.
Immediately after our last email went out, every single freshman SGA candidate showed up to Gilman Hall hoping to win their upcoming elections by saving the electrical board. We were initially hopeful, considering how full of hot air they are. However, just when success seemed within reach, the structurally compromised shell of Gilman Hall began crumbling around them.
We at Facilities and Estate Management don’t get paid enough to deal with that shit, so freshmen SGA elections will be indefinitely postponed. Rumor has it that tribes are beginning to form in the building’s burnt husk based on political alliances and physical prowess/blood type. We wish them the best in this trying time. Thought and prayers. Anyway, the electrical problem has been fixed.
Oh, by the way, we know we promised to relocate classes in Gilman, but we’re just cancelling them all instead. For good. If you’re a humanities major, we suggest you transfer to Northwestern University, since they’re apparently just as good as us now. The reconstruction of Gilman Hall will begin in Spring 2027, and will likely be completed by time the the sun consumes the Earth. Bye.