FRESHMAN QUAD– Security was called on AMR I Wilson RA Janet Millerson late last night four hours into a nine-hour interpretive dance marathon and grilled cheese program gone horribly wrong.
Terrified freshman residents–none of whom had actually attended the event–only remember detecting the vague smell of mozzarella sticks and the faint chorus of Mr. Brightside from the safety of their 4-by-8 foot rooms.
RA Millerson, an otherwise exemplary student employee, had reportedly been sent over the edge when her most recent picture of a grilled cheese sandwich in the floor GroupMe only received 2 heart reacts and a “haha”. When she realized both heart reacts were her own, she began krumping aggressively throughout the floors of AMR I Wilson.
Spectators recall a variety of homemade sandwiches being flung through the halls when students refused to participate in Janet’s eighth program of the week.
Residents of Wilson have weighed in on the meltdown, which as far as we know is still underway.
Steven Patel, who bore a visible PB&J stain from Janet’s rampage on his shirt said, “I have a peanut allergy.”
Many students are sympathetic to Janet’s plight.
“I feel kind of bad for her. After going to her intramural frisbee golf game, we all realized we’re better off wandering sticky frat house basements in search of long-lasting meaningful relationships,” said Jason Henning, a nerd who had clearly never been to a frat party.
Carol Holland, a BME, ChemBE, and CogSci triple major living in Wilson and taking a completely sustainable 18 credit semester had this to say: “I haven’t been outside since Wednesday. I’m sure Karen’s make-your-own-dessert-taco event was great, but I was just too busy. Oh, that was last week? Then are you talking about the thing where she bribed the Spring Fair petting zoo people to let us go synchronized swimming with pygmy goats?”
Holland’s commentary was cut short when RA Millerson rounded the corner brandishing a hardcover copy of the Norton Anthology of Poetry.
Residential Life has refused to comment on the situation yet, but the Counseling Center released the following statement to the Black and Blue Jay: “Janet, come back.”