Dear valued tuition-payers,

I understand that many of you are concerned about Hopkins’ affiliation with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). As an immigrant myself with deep cultural ties to my möthërländ Canada, I am very familiar with the hardships of maintaining my exotic, ethnic identity while struggling for days, even weeks, to obtain citizenship.  I don’t know what I would do without my millions of dollars, which completely sheltered my immigration process until Daddy Bloomberg hooked me up with an American passport.

After several Bing searches on what exactly ICE is and how to write a useful email, I am horrified to learn that the Trump administration is encasing refugee children in blocks of ice. Hopkins refuses to support any misfortune unless we can directly profit from it, so we (as a Top 10 University) demand that the refugee children be melted.

Until at least one child is freed from these cold constraints, Hopkins is in full support of Friday’s anti-ICE protest. The FFC will be ceremoniously lit on fire, this time on purpose. I will personally give up my space heater and my assistant’s hair dryer to the ice-melting efforts. Linda has begged me not to, but everyone has to make sacrifices for the children.

Several security officers have eagerly offered to support the protest by setting up a menacing perimeter around it. They will be heavily armed and ridiculously untrained. I’ve also ordered several buckets of Rita’s Ice to be dumped in the Inner Harbor– however many Linda can carry. Thanks, Linda.

All of these noble efforts should be more than enough to make up for the fact that we can’t cancel this contract because I never read the Terms and Conditions.

Vive la résistance!

Xoxo,

Ronny D