Breaking news!! Notorious frat SAE has mysteriously vanished off the face of Hopkins’ campus!! What happened?!?!? Here are the only possible theories!!! There are no other explanations!!
- Got sucked into the Gilman Seal
- Taken by med campus doctors to run experiments on liver damage
- SAE House was literally eaten by bees
- Watched Stranger Things and tried to find the Upside Down
- Got absolutely stabbed to death by Pike
- Finally got into an Ivy League! #Emory2020
- Due to threat of expulsion, put on wigs and rushed for IX instead
- Saw they weren’t #1 on GreekRank and literally couldn’t even
- Were recruited by CharMar Preacher for the new SAE: Saviors Against Evolution
- Couldn’t afford rent and migrated into the steam tunnels
- Heard Wisconsin might drop the drinking age and transferred to UW-Madison
- The FBI finally caught on to their role in the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914
- HopCops finally stumbled upon where they live after avoiding an armed robbery
- Shoes are permanently stuck to the basement floor, can’t escape, pls take our clickers to class, xoxo Chad
- After reading an Opinions article on inherent misogyny in frat culture, they reflected on their characters and made a self-respecting decision to unchain themselves from the confines of toxic masculinity… so they rushed Phi Delt.
Which is the truth? The world may never know!!!