Sources close to the Black and Blue Jay tell us that Linda Smith really “went off” at a frat party this past parent’s weekend, much to the dismay of her daughter.
Sophomore Stacy Smith was so excited for her parents to take her out to dinner this weekend. However, upon arrival, Linda Smith put on her best tube top and mom jeans and headed out to find “the move.” At the door to the first frat house she found, Linda was met with a, “Linda! So glad you could make it. Right this way.” However Paul Smith was ordered to, “Take a lap buddy. And next time bring at least 5 girls.” Paul, described to us as a nerdy loser, turned around and began texting everyone in his work phone asking if they were at a Johns Hopkins University frat party and if they could get him in.
Inside, Linda immediately went to the beer pong table and pushed aside Chad Braderson saying, “I got this.” She proceeded to annihilate team after team much to the dismay of Stacy who was worried about her alcohol intake. “Mom, you know what happened in Reno. Slow down.”
“Stup up Shacy,” Linda replied while accidentally missing her mouth and pouring vodka cranberry down her top. She then pulled a frat boy near and whispered, “It’s me and you tonight, hot stuff.” Stacy left to get a bottle of water for her mother, but when she returned, her mother was gone.
After leaving 82 distressed voicemails of her mother’s phone, Stacy felt Chad Braderson breathing heavily down her neck, “Linda’s upstairs ripping that bong,” he said. “By the way, are you that close with her?” he asked timidly. “Do you think you could introduce us?”
Stacy found her mother upstairs sitting on a frat boy’s lap, giggling uncontrollably. “You’re so funny, Logan.”
“Mom! You came all this way, I want to spend time with you!” Stacy pulled her mom downstairs. Linda immediately started recreating all the fortnight dances while the boys drooled around her in a close knit circle.
“Mom,” Stacy said as she did the sprinkler next to her, “I think we should head out for the night.”
“Oh did you want to go to Oxygen?” Linda said, pulling out a bag of paint which she proceeded to huff.
“No I want to go home.”
At the thought of ending the night early, Linda took off sprinting out of the house and down the sidewalk. As she passed Paul and they exchanged a high five. “You get ‘em honey,” he said. However, once she was out of sight he continued to cry into his batman themed handkerchief.
Stacy tried to keep up with Linda, but lost her before Chipotle. Unsuccessful, she walked back to the party, to retrieve her jacket. When she entered, she saw Linda sobbing on the couch, spooning an empty tub of animal crackers. “Stacy,” she wailed, “do you have any condoms?” Stacy dragged her mom back to her hotel room before crashing in her dorm.
Our sources couldn’t confirm how Linda, Paul, and Stacy spent the next morning, but what we do know is that CVS is currently out of stock of Pedialyte.