Student Who Claimed “This Test is Gonna Kill Me” Actually Dies During Exam


After several hours of confusion, police were able to determine that junior April Harper had indeed died during her Orgo final on Wednesday. She had been complaining for weeks that the final would “literally kill [her],” but no one took her seriously because she said that shit before every test. 

Doctors determined she collapsed and died about 30 minutes into the exam at 9:30 am, but police were not called to the scene until 1 pm when the professor noticed her left behind after the test. Students sitting nearby were asked why they didn’t do anything to help.

“Honestly, I thought she was just crying into her test, like everyone else in here,” said sophomore John Stanley. “It didn’t seem out of the ordinary at all.”

“Yes, I did notice her smell,” junior Sasha Robertson said. “But I thought it was just the usual lack of showering before a test. I haven’t showered in 3 days myself.”

“I did notice her face was kind of discolored,” Stanley added. “But I figured she’d just been eating Doritos for the last 6 or 7 meals. It has a way of making you look dead.”

Sophomore Tina Swanson noted that Harper seemed to spasm several times throughout the exam. “I thought it was just coffee jitters!” she said, adding horrifyingly, “Oh my god, was it actually rigor mortis?”

“All right,” Stanley finally said. “Fine. She did shit herself as she expired. I noticed the smell. But I seriously thought it was just from the test! I honestly almost shit myself when I saw the last question.”

“I did shit myself,” Swanson added.

Harper has been put on academic probation following 3 zeroes on her last 3 finals, including the Orgo one. Upon hearing this, Sasha Robertson reportedly asked a friend, “Oh my god, do you think she’ll count towards the curve?”

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