After an interim year filled with laser lights and disappointment on par with that of your academic advisor at this point in the semester, the Lighting of the Quads is once again upon us. Returning to the newly refurbished Elysian fields that is Keyser Quad (the one in front of “that clock tower building” for you engineers), the event is shaping up to be bigger and brighter than ever. This year’s festivities are predicted to be the best and most outrageous the school has ever seen, to make up for the technicolor shit-show that was last year.

The Black and Blue Jay has obtained an exclusive report that this year’s event, in addition to the usual hot chocolate and fire twirlers, will feature complex pyrotechnics, pre-med strippers (it’s as close to sexy nurse as they could get), and enough Natty Boh to satisfy every frat boy in the tri-state area. However, these kinds of fantastical features come at a price, as experts predicted that by the end of the night Keyser Quad will be “totally fucked” and “out of commission until you shitheads graduate… at least”. We decided to dig deeper and evaluate both sides of this gripping tale.

After sucking up 😉 to the Hop for exclusive info, President Randy Thompson said, “We are absolutely certain that this event will be totally dope, yo. I have full confidence in the engineers who designed our school’s foundation- you’ve seen our drainage system, right?” Immediately to his left, Hop Secretary Clarissa Moore fished her flip flop out of the three foot puddle that had accumulated near Levering after someone spilled a bottle of water.

However, an anonymous member of the Hop came forward with a slightly different message. Meeting us only under the cover of nightfall deep in the steam tunnels and referring to themself as “Yung Bi$h”, they recounted the plans that they fear will decimate our school as we know it. “You don’t even know man, you don’t even know,” they said, shaking in fear as they popped another mysterious white pill in their mouth. “I’ve seen it. It’s just a rocket launcher. It’s the shit they sent to Pluto. We don’t have the infrastructure for this. And it’s got glitter in it! What the fuck?! Who approved that shit!?” After the Vicodin kicked in, they added, “Oh, and military-grade drones are going to be carrying sparklers at waist level all over the quad. But that’s besides the point”.

After hearing this information and realizing we’ll never know what our school is really built on until it finally collapses under us, we knew we’d need to go beyond the Hop for the full scoop. Our fearless reporters on the ground decided to determine the quality of refreshments, which the Hop promised would be “tasty af”. Upon speaking with the caterers, we determined the exact menu will be as follows:

• An inflatable kiddie pool full of Velveeta. Chips will not be provided.
• A Twinkie from the pre-Trump era. The poor bastard has lived through so much. The lucky student to eat it will absorb its resilience.
• Warm Natty Boh flowing directly from the President’s Fountain. Must chip off from the ice sculpture to cool your drink. Red solo cups will be your class gift. Isn’t that neat?!

Caterer Joy Calamezzo said, “It’s a tasty treat that mimics every Hopkins student’s most common depression meal!” Junior Ken Choi, who appeared to be showing early signs of scurvy, could confirm. We can’t argue with that logic!

With this new information in mind, it was time to go to Mr. Lighting of the Quads himself– Ron Daniels. He listened carefully to the multiple concerns about the structure of the campus, the health and safety of students, and the continued issues regarding the Blue Jay outside the FFC. Sitting behind his desk with a crystalline glass of brandy and a fat cigar, he simply looked at us and said, “It’s gonna be bitchin’.”

See you there!