Tickets for the much anticipated MSE Symposium talk by Daily Show correspondent Hasan Minhaj are likely to be in short supply in a few weeks. The esteemed comedy journalist will be delivering a stirring speech in Brody 3025, if he can get it reserved. To acquire one of the coveted 6 tickets that will be available, here are the Black and Blue Jay’s exclusive tips to get through the grueling raffle process:

1. Make sure you are stationed at your computer on the MSE website at 4:15 am on November 25th to watch your browsers crash and half of your homework documents get deleted.
2. After you get back from the Apple store, you will find a small wrapped package waiting on your pillow.
3. The package will contain 3 things: a small vial of orange liquid, a single albatross feather, and a cryptic riddle. Unwrap the riddle and solve it for the ten-letter clue that will lead you on the next part of your journey. Not sure what those other two things are for.
4. The answer to the riddle will be your new JHED password, which will have been reset while your computer was broken. Log into SIS, open a copy of your unofficial transcript, and cry a little over it. It’s okay buddy. It’s gonna be okay.
5. At this point you will be ready to begin the ticket acquiring process. Go to the president’s garden at 3:00 am the next morning. You’ll be meeting our operative in the pool, but you can only see him when completely submerged. Blub blub, bitch!
6. Our guy will give you a 9×9 Rubiks cube that you will have 10 minutes to solve. All the panels will be a slightly different shade of Yellow, that are so close that the differences are imperceptible to the human eye.
7. Once you solve the Rubiks cube, it will crack open to reveal a mouse named Lemmiwinks with a key taped to his back. Follow this mouse.
8. The mouse will lead you through the Garland Hall labyrinth — it’s in the sub-basement, where your club’s classroom requests go.
9. At the end of the labyrinth, you will have to physically fight the blue jay mascot in order to get your raffle ticket. Once you claim it over his dead bird body, drop your ticket into the gigantic bowl on the freshman quad, where everyone else’s fucking tickets are.
10. The bowl will be upended at midnight under a full moon. The first six tickets to be peed on by monkeys escaped from Ames hall will be the tickets of the lucky winners.
11. Unfortunately, if Mr. Minhaj can’t get the Brody 3025 projector to work in the first 5 minutes of his presentation, he will leave. And it will be your fault.
12. Good Luck and Let the Games Begin!