Have you ever wanted (or been forced by your bitchy RA) to feel safer in the five Baltimore streets that you’ll actually walk on in your four years here? Don’t worry, the Freshman Safety Walks are here!

Watch as herds of freshmen, donned in avant garde neon yellow safety hats inspired by Omaha Fashion week and visually impaired drivers, cause cars to swerve off the road and into innocent bystanders. Head security guard Nate O’Sullivan tells each student, “Baltimore is your runway, so make it work!… but don’t walk past 30th street,” as he gives students ugly ass blue shirts that you will literally only ever wear when you are out of clothes and doing laundry like a goddamn adult. Coincidentally, seven safety walk shirts will be found on Free or For Sale 23 minutes later, with people paying you to take the shirts off them.

But it’s more than just the glamour! Walk past the 7/11 and learn that the store has been robbed twelve times in the past year. Stand on the border of the patrol area and watch the security pretend not to notice the robbery on the other side of the street, quoting “your tuition only can cover so many streets.” And in front of CharMar, witness an overachieving freshman holding a handmade Road Scholar certificate, calling his parents crying “I made it Mom… I finally made it.” He was disappointed to know that his Road Scholar grade was actually curved down to a B+.

In the coming weeks, please be alert for the resurgence of the infamous Road Gang. While consisting of only freshmen, they walk around in safety apparel beating up jaywalkers with the Road Scholars signs, chanting in ominous unison the Road Scholar oath.

Check out their website here for more information: http://www.rhodesscholar.org