How Not to Get Stabbed at Hopkins

Following the latest string of campus security alerts, the Office of Bubble Security has issued the following guide on how to avoid getting stabbed.

  1. Ask if your assailant will take dining dollars
  2. Camouflage by dressing up like a homeless guy on St. Paul
  3. Yell “MY DAD IS A LAWYER”
  4. Transfer to Duke
  5. Stop wearing your dad’s Rolex…also boat shoes while you’re at it
  6. Catch them with a Poké Ball
  7. Avoid leaving D Level, though we really don’t have to tell you to do that
  8. Diplomacy: suggest robbing 7-11 together
  9. Remind them of JHU’s efforts to engage Baltimore and your active participation in President’s Day of Service
  10. Make them aware that stealing your credit card transfers your student debt to them
  11. Stab them first


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