Weeks after the beginning of Lent, local fuckboy Mike Dunsky has announced that he has given up sex until Easter. On this development, Dunsky stated,
“Giving up sex is a pretty big deal for a stud like me, so to make up for it, I’ve starting smoking more weed, saying the n-word even though I’m white, and vaping during lecture. Everybody freaks out, but it’s not smoke, it’s vapor. Retards.”
In response to allegations that Dunsky had actually not had sex for weeks before Lent and that this was all a cover-up for his failed attempts with a variety of women, he responded,
“Nah, bruh. If I wanted to, I would be balls deep in some pussy right now, but I’m just trying to get right with my man Jessie Christ.”
Thirty seconds after announcing his pledge of celibacy, Dunsky sent unsolicited pictures of his genitalia accompanied by an “its all urs 😉 send me some” to eight different women.
“I’m masturbating eight times a day because of this whole Lent thing. Gotta get some inspiration,” he said. “Maybe I’ll get back some pussy shots this time.”
Reports stated that Dunsky was last seen wearing just a snapback, #meninist hoodie, and oversized Nike basketball shorts in sub-freezing temperatures. It is also believed that he is currently harassing women on Tinder, using “love the tits. gimme head” as his opening line.
“It’s just too bad that this year isn’t like last year, when Lent ended on 4/20,” said Dunsky. “That would have been a real party.”