After the impressive box office success of Focus Features’ “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY,” Hopkins’ administration has decided to cash in on the trend with its own BDSM welcome video: “FIFTY SHADES OF JAY.”  Set against the backdrop of an orgasmic (correction: organic) chemistry class, “JAY” will follow TA Kong-Sang Jay and shy young orgo student Ruchi Steele as they traverse the semester.

“It’s a love story,” explained the eager director, John Camrin. “But it’s also a story of struggle and sacrifice on the Hopkins campus. It’s not just good enough to make some campy welcome video these days. Students crave story. So we’ve put a special spin on Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism.”

Centering around its own form of BDSM, Blue jay Dominance in Science and Mathematics, “JAY” will go beyond just the classroom and bedroom scenes to give students a tour of the campus itself. Everything from the women’s locker rooms to the men’s locker rooms to the sex dungeons will be featured prominently, giving students the full Fifty Shades experience. Camrin explained,

“The numbers don’t lie — this is what the kids are about these days. Especially with the slightly uncouth handling of Hopkins sexual politics in the past, “FIFTY SHADES OF JAY” should be a great way to get us some goodwill back again. Plus it’s raunch as f***.”

Mark your calendars for April 3rd, when “JAY” is set to release via email blast, Flash Ad, and YouPorn.