Uber to Outfit Cars in Diamonds After Halloween Price-Gouging Success

Following the story of a Baltimore woman who crowdfunded hundreds of dollars to pay for a ride charge of over $360, ridesharing service Uber has announced its plans to outfit its cars with diamonds. “We are aware that our policy of surge pricing during times of high demand has been controversial,” a spokesperson for the company said earlier this morning, “but because of it, we are fucking loaded. So we are launching a new fleet of cars studded with diamonds just because we can.”

In addition to the diamonds, the new cars will have 24-carat solid gold rims, imported cashmere seat belts, Renaissance-era stained glass windows, and extra cup holders. A spokesperson outlined the new upgrades, adding, “The most exciting new addition is the seats covered in rhinoceros skin. You heard me right, motherfucking rhinos. You might be saying, ‘Wait, Uber, isn’t that illegal?’ to which we say ‘We are motherfucking Uber! We now make more money off of one car ride than you ever will in your life! We’re too rich to give a shit about fucking laws for fucking poor people. We buy that rhino, skin it, put that skin on a seat, drive that motherfucking car on the streets and PETA can’t do shit about it.”

Uber closed the press conference by announcing that despite the drastic increase in prices, a Cartier-made white gold tray covered in lines of the world’s finest cocaine would be served complimentary with every ride. The company will now also be accepting payments in the form of internal organs and firstborn children if passengers cannot otherwise afford the rides. The press conference was closed with Uber announcing its new slogan: “Good luck crowdfunding this shit.” ​

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