Halloween is quickly approaching, and local news crews and WASP moms are buzzing about all the nefarious findings they’ve discovered while eating their children’s Halloween candy. As the campus ambassadors that we are, we here at The Black and Blue Jay have launched an investigation into the Halloween candy that’s been distributed on campus over the last week, and our results are shocking. Here are some of the things we’ve found stashed in your Halloween candy:

• Razor blades
• Razor™  scooters
• A 100mg tablet of Sertraline
• The next orgo exam key
• Beans
• Hopkins MILFs! (call that a Milfy Way)
• Common allergens (peanuts, tree nuts, cats, latex)
• An aspiring stand up comedian who won’t let you leave until you listen to his set and give honest feedback
• Your old baby teeth
• A smaller, sexier piece of halloween candy
• Ohio.
• Your dad with the milk he told you he was going to get 13 years ago
• Fair wages
• Soup (mmmsoup)