Hopkins Haunted House Features Grade Deflation, Organic Chemistry

After being designated the country’s #1 soul-crushing university by U.S. News and World Report, Johns Hopkins will seek to lift the morale of the student body by turning that creepy af museum near the AMRs into a real haunted house for Halloween.

“In keeping with Hopkins’ pioneering attitude, we’ve decided to ditch zombies and vampires and instead focus on what really scares the bejeezus out of students,” haunted house designer Patrick Stevens commented. “Apparently ghosts and murderers aren’t as terrifying to Hopkins kids as is a 21-credit semester or getting run over by a lacrosse player’s electric scooter.”

Rachel Osborne, a sophomore who helped organized the house, had to be removed from the project on a stretcher after confronting the first room full of biochem lab, clicker attendance, and not getting into med school.

The incident left Stevens puzzled. “Now I’m not sure whether or not we can add the ‘no curly fries at late-night FFC’ exhibit without scaring the students too much. We’re also on the fence about the ‘not being able to find a goddamn seat in the library’ attraction, let alone make visitors watch two freshmen aggressively make out against a frat basement wall, or force them to take flyers from strangers on the Breezeway. That might just be too much.”

Osborne is expected to make a full recovery. She will be treated with hugs from Gladys and getting an A on a test for which she did not study.

The haunted house will cost .2 GPA points and $5 (IN J-CASH ONLY) per person to enter.

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