September’s Rejected Headlines

We at the Black and Blue Jay are pretty prolific (and beautiful), but not everything we pitch always gets written in time for publication. To celebrate the underripe fruits of our labor, we’ve compiled a list of September’s rejected headlines– just so you know what you missed out on.

  1. Freshman Drops Pre-med After Missing First Clicker Question
  2. Last Vestige of Respect For Visual Arts At Hopkins Dies With Broken Crayon In Hand
  3. Student Reportedly Discovers Hopkins Sports Teams Other Than Lacrosse
  4. APL Physicists Baffled By Senior’s Ability To Sink Through Solid Ground When Confronted About Post-Graduation Plans
  5. Local Anime Enthusiast Deeply Disappointed by Amine Concert
  6. IFP 1 Teacher Hasn’t Read This Much Fanfiction Since 11th Grade
  7. Students Excited To Listen To “Hey There, Delilah” 84 Times at Hoptoberfest
  8. Today’s Announcements Team Releases New Format That Texts Every Mobile Phone In America
  9. Campus Devastated By Outbreak of Heads-Shoulders-Knees-Toes-Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease
  10. Prospective Students Host Party In AMR II Laundry Room; Reject Freshmen At Door
  11. International Student Buys Out Table and Outlets in Brody Reading Room
  12. Blue Jay Statue Collapses Under Weight of Performing Arts Groups’ Paint
  13. Freshman Applies to 50 Clubs; Gets Deferred By 2, Waitlisted By 5, Rejected By 39, Ignored By Spring Fair
  14. Cops Are Everywhere Now, So, That’s Cool
  15. Excessive September Rain Finally Gets Your Weird TA Wet
  16. Freshman Successfully Avoids Buying Norton Anthology of Short Fiction By Renting Library Copies In Rotation Every 3 Days All Month
  17. Father of Two Drops Kids Off at SigChi, Goes to Tent Party
  18. Basketball Team Steals Baal Statue From Near-Eastern Studies Department, Claims “Baal is Life”
  19. Kung Fu Bubble Tea Price Rises To $18 Per Cup; Sales Somehow Keep Increasing
  20. October Arrives But Autumn Sure Doesn’t

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