Last month, the U.S. News & World Report published its favorite colleges in the country. We finally broke into the single digits, but struck a tie with Duke, Northwestern, and John Hopkin College. The factors that led to our ranking might not be what you expect: 

• #4 in chicken-feather-to-chicken-breast ratio served in dining halls
• #304 in working WiFi
• #2 for computer science 
• #11 in having girlfriends who “just go to a different school”
• #5 in Xanax prescriptions per capita
• #502 in COVID transmission (until recently)
• #502 in having friends
• #13 in medical care for pre-meds who ate shit on a scooter
• #1 in waterborne diseases in the showerheads 
• #195 in respect for humanities majors
• #4 in campus events related to bodily fluids 
• #1 in bragging about being #1 in Public Health