Reasons Why JHU is Ranked #9

Last month, the U.S. News & World Report published its favorite colleges in the country. We finally broke into the single digits, but struck a tie with Duke, Northwestern, and John Hopkin College. The factors that led to our ranking might not be what you expect: 

  • #4 in chicken-feather-to-chicken-breast ratio served in dining halls
  • #304 in working WiFi
  • #2 for computer science 
  • #11 in having girlfriends who “just go to a different school”
  • #5 in Xanax prescriptions per capita
  • #502 in COVID transmission (until recently)
  • #502 in having friends
  • #13 in medical care for pre-meds who ate shit on a scooter
  • #1 in waterborne diseases in the showerheads 
  • #195 in respect for humanities majors
  • #4 in campus events related to bodily fluids 
  • #1 in bragging about being #1 in Public Health

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