15 Ways Your Filthy Hovel Can Still Pass Room Inspections

Room checks are this week, and freshmen around campus are hard at work hiding their stashes of alcohol in their underwear drawers. But here at the Black and Blue Jay, we have the inside scoop on how to actually pass this inspection. Follow the handy tips below for guaranteed success!

  1. Rip up the carpet, sweep your trash under it, and then staple it back down
  2. Wear all your clothes so there are none on the floor
  3. If they ask about your halogen lamp, say it doesn’t work because you filled it with vodka
  4. Hide your pet fish in the cupboard 
  5. Smoke all your weed at once so there’s nothing to find
  6. Slip your RA five dining dollars and an arm’s length of CVS coupons
  7. Scream “You’re not my dad!!” as soon as inspectors enter your room
  8. Put a sock on the doorknob so they have to come back later
  9. Demand to check your RA’s room. You’re doing room inspections now, bitch!
  10. Put tags on all your dead squirrels to disguise them as Webkinz
  11. Move all your open flames into the ceiling tiles
  12. Turn your back to the inspector while vaping
  13. Release the wild birds you’ve patiently been collecting all semester (nothing impresses like magic!)
  14. Turn your wall tapestry into a ghost costume to scare the inspectors away
  15. Signal to your pet mouse, who you caught three months prior, that it’s time to cook the five star meal you’ve intensively trained him to cook for the past twelve weeks. When the inspectors come in: dinner time!

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