More than three months after sending its students home, Johns Hopkins still doesn’t know what’s going on this fall. The Black and Blue Jay indentured a lonely CS major to hack JHU servers and obtain an email draft scheduled to reach the student body at the last possible second. Here it is:

Dear Johns Hopkins Community,

Thank you for your patience as we wait to see what Harvard is doing this fall. As we plan to plan our return to campus, we are mindful that these are trying times and that we’re broke as fuck. We have a 6.2 billion dollar endowment, but half of that is for President Daniel’s “personal expenses.” He winks at us when we ask him what they are. We need your tuition badly.

To prevent your parents from suing us, we want to take your ideas into consideration. If you’re a desperate Poli Sci or International Studies major who needs something on their resume, please apply to the Student Advisory Committee on Advisory Committees. We’ll even give you encouraging nods and pretend to take notes when you talk. If it makes you feel better, great. 

We can assure you that Hopkins administrators and deans are working around the clock to facilitate a safe return to campus. They limit themselves to one episode of Netflix after every email sent, and we hold a strict dress code during staff Zoom calls: business on top, party on the bottom. Additionally, our experts at the Bloomberg School of Public Health are hard at work hitting refresh on the Johns Hopkins coronavirus map so they won’t miss a beat. 

We recognize the urgent need to make travel arrangements. Flights will only grow more expensive as the fall approaches, but that’s okay. We’re counting on you to support local businesses like Delta, JetBlue, and Southwest. 

We have also received several inquiries from upperclassmen about off-campus housing and rent payments in the event of an online fall semester. Whether or not you’re on campus, you’ll be stimulating the Baltimore economy and helping out the mice that have probably moved into your apartments and houses by now. 

Finally, please remember to comply with local and state social distancing measures so we have more of you paying tuition in the fall.

Satirically yours,

Mr. Clean, MPH

Vice Provost of Wear a Fucking Mask