The exodus of undergraduates from campus and the transition to online learning disrupted all aspects of collegiate life. In the rush to pack up dorms and apartments, students left their summer outfits, sex toys, and illicit substances behind. Home for the summer, we can only wonder what’s become of our belongings.

Trapped rising sophomore Jerry Wong, who could not return home, still spends his days roaming AMR II and making paper mache dolls from the thousands of SGA flyers plastered around it. Luckily, he didn’t have to part with his summer outfits, sex toys, or illicit substances.

On Friday, while walking through the building’s vacant halls, Jerry heard laughter from a room nearby. He opened the door to Lazear 326 and found four grown ass men sitting in a circle on the floor, red solo cups in hand. In the middle of the circle lay a box of wine and a bottle of Bacardi. The men jumped when they saw Jerry but quickly explained that they were professional movers hired to pack up the rooms. They were just “borrowing” students’ alcohol, and promised to dilute what was left with water.

Before Jerry could react, two more movers filed in carrying their own spoils of war from adjacent rooms. One held up a modest bag of weed while the other brandished a bottle of strawberry lemonade Svedka.

As one of the movers poured another shot, he invited Jerry to join them. Not about to pass up his first human contact in over three months, he sat down. Plus, Jerry is an absolute slut for strawberry lemonade Svedka. 

When Jerry told us his story, we reached out to the director of Residential Life for comment. She denied any reports of theft, assuring us that “it’s only okay to steal from student dorms if they’re in Charles Commons.”