Sophomores Can Get Fucked: 18 Housing Options for Fall 2020

The university’s recent announcement to reopen was good news for most, but sophomores will have to fend for themselves as their dreams to live in Homewood, Bradford, and Commons are crushed. Even the three McCoy hopefuls are disappointed.

But do not despair. We’ve compiled a list of housing options for sophomores in need:

  1. A 7×9 ft hotel room in the Colonnade — ice and roaches at no additional cost!
  2. The Rec Center basement — BYOSAP (bring your own sleeping bag and pre-workout)
  3. Brody Learning Commons — we both know you were never going to leave anyway
  4. Beg your favorite professor to legally adopt you
  5. The Four Seasons in the Inner Harbor — milk the university’s transportation budget and live like a goddamn king
  6. Live amongst the rats in the steam tunnels, become their leader
  7. Break into the Gilman clock tower — deafening alarm clock every 15 minutes!
  8. Frat boy’s bedroom — C+ boyfriend comes standard
  9. Your parents’ house — free FOMO from the comfort of your childhood bed
  10. Sleepover on the beach — pitch a tent and never leave
  11. Steal a freshman’s skin and relive your AMR I glory days
  12. The air ducts of Döner Brös — you’ll never smell tastier!
  13. Remsen Hall — have an absolute banger with Ira Remsen’s ghost
  14. UTLs — sleep in the fume hoods and cook breakfast on the hot plates
  15. Olin Hall — you will be declared missing and presumed dead because no one will find you there
  16. Under the counter at Insomnia Cookies — get ready for the sophomore sixty
  17. Become a permanent fixture at the BMA Sculpture Garden
  18. Live in Mattin Center before it becomes a pile of rubble

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