Hopkins to Implement its own Private Navy

University President Ronald J. Daniels has followed his announcement of Johns Hopkins’ private police force by expanding his original initiative to combat the recent uptick in poor-on-privileged crime. In addition to hiring its own fully militarized police force by collaborating with BPD, Johns Hopkins will also be christening its own Navy in the fall.  

This elite force, the FFSea, will be launched in August with dual headquarters in the Inner Harbor and the President’s Lawn fountain. The operatives, known as FFSeamen, will be equipped with the latest in naval technology and style: night-vision Crocs, camouflage floaties, and bucket hats courtesy of the lax bros and FIJI.  The fleet will also include intimidating paddle boats that will patrol the campus border river in the Hampden woods, several jet skis with AK-47 SuperSoakers that will be deployed on the rivers that form during heavy rains, and the Inner Harbor Mr. Trash Wheel, which will be equipped with militarized fire hoses to spew the FFC’s unrefined garbage onto delinquents.

But they are proudest of their flagship, which will be deployed in the President’s Garden fountain. Named the S.S. S: Embrace the S, it will be led by the head FFSemen, the Gill-man, riding a jet ski tethered to a kiddie pool, which in turn is atop a standard HopCop golf cart. In the official Navy christening ceremony, Ronny D broke a ceremonial bottle of Natty Bo on the Navy’s primary ship. He was overheard afterwards, wiping his hand with a cashmere towel, muttering, “Ugh, beer for the poors. After I’m done with this world, it’ll be illegal to be poor.”

Given how excited Daniels was about the implementation of the private police force, which he characterizes as heavily inspired by its “great work” in Baltimore at large, it was surprising that he could be even more excited about this. “We at Johns Hopkins have a great tradition of cooperating with our country’s great monopoly on violence,” Daniels told us in a private interview. “We were inspired by the efficiency and community building efforts of the BPD to continue our tradition of helping security, adding the Hopkins Police to our previous work in the APL. The obvious next move was to take the successful humanitarian and peacekeeping efforts of the United States Military-Industrial Complex and bring those to Baltimore with our own FFSea.”

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