This week, McCoy sophomore Glen McGuire was awarded the Michael Bloomberg Award for the Sophomore who has had the fewest awkward eye contacts with people in Charmar, at the astoundingly low three. McGuire graciously offered us details about the three run-ins, as well as advice for freshmen on how to repeat his success.
“My first awkward eye contact in Charmar,” reports McGuire “was with this kid from my FYM group. At the time she was BME and a real dick about it. Last April though she posted on Facebook that she was declaring Anthropology instead. Even more pompous.”
The sophomore from McCoy 4 West continued, “there was also this guy infront of me in the sandwich line once. He said “hey” and I nodded, quickly turning to my phone as a sort of comfort blankie. The worst part was he got chips, so I couldn’t get chips because then I’d be copying him or something.” Sources confirm that McGuire sadly ate a double portion of pickles that day.
“But these were all childsplay compared to the worst one,” concluded McGuire. “Just last week I made eye contact with a freshman-year hookup who had never responded to my seven DMs. We were both reaching toward the same tomato soup, so I said ‘you can go first.’ Apparently she changed her mind. Then we were in line together in the smoothie room. I tried to say hello, but I burped a little, spewing a few droplets of spittle in the process.”
McGuire also offered tips for freshmen who wanted to emulate his success in avoiding awkward eye contact. “The key is to never speak–most of the time you can trick people into ignoring your very existence. Or you can just live in a Bradford efficiency–that works too.”