Welcome to Johns Hopkins, Class of 2021! Go ahead, pat yourself on the back because you’ve finally made it. Through hard work and tears, or Daddy’s friend in admissions, you’ve been admitted into one of the most prestigious universities no one cares about because it’s not an Ivy or Stanford. You should be excited to get to know more about Hopkins, just as Hopkins is excited to get to know you as a potential future donor.
Orientation Week is a chaotic time for everyone. Your parents have abandoned you in Baltimore, and you’re slowly realizing that this is in fact real life. Trust us, it won’t be your first existential crisis at Hopkins, just you wait until the first set of midterms. There are crucial life skills you need to learn, like how to cook or how to hide the fact that you’ve been crying in the shower for too long. More importantly, you’re going to meet a crazy amount of people, and processing all of those names and awkwardly botched handshakes can be a lot. Since we here at the Black and Blue Jay have seen it all, we’ve decided to drop some knowledge on you kids about the who’s who of Hopkins freshman:
- “The Chiller” – You’re going to see a kid on the freshman quad playing some strange game or doing a weird outdoor activity. You should befriend this person. They tend to be pretty chill, and will almost definitely share their drugs with you.
- “The Wild Card” – There’s always one kid who likes to show off and go overboard, and although he might seem fun to be around at first, eventually he’ll set your room on fire trying to do a flaming shot. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
- “The Recruiter” – If you are seen East of St. Paul street with a pack of placeholder friends after 9PM, a Fraternity brother will approach you and invite you to his party. After O-Week, this will probably never happen again.
- “The Heartbroken Soul” – His girlfriend of three years broke up with him last week over snapchat after she got into ΔΓ at Alabama. Already depressed about not finding his new love on move-in day, all he wants is a hug… and maybe a handjob.
- “Megan” – This girl is trying desperately to get into a sorority. Megan, just be yourself, there’s plenty of time to kiss ass in the Spring when rush starts.
- “The Try Hard” – He asks everyone their SAT score, and does nothing but brag about how he’s hot shit with a big brain. He’s energized, motivated, got a 5 in AP Latin, and in three weeks will have a second backpack that he uses just for saving cubicles as well as a budding adderall addiction.
- “Your Future Roommates” – They are the ones standing on the bar at a frat party, eating dangerous amounts of french fries, and holding your hair back when you inevitably puke up those french fries (and those misjudged tequila shots). Keep an eye out for them, they are real diamonds in the rough.
Our advice to you:
Have an open mind. Say hi to that cute girl or guy in the the library. Explore Baltimore. Don’t watch The Wire. Enjoy the FFC and, although you don’t know her, you owe Ms. Gladys everything. Unfortunately, you won’t have covered grades and will surely experience unprecedented panic attacks as a result, but at least FOX News anchors won’t call us snowflakes and compare us to UCLA. Thanks for taking one for the team.
The Black and Blue Jay
Please check out our website! We meet every Tuesday @ 8:30 in Mattin 162. All are welcome as long as you come with an open mind and a love of making fun of stuff.