Junior Paul Garter said he felt “proud to attend an institution which is so devoted to destroying its student’s dreams.” He added, “you know, everyone thinks of Hopkins as just a good medical school with a weird ‘S,’ but it’s more than that – it’s the 10th layer of hell.”

President Ron Daniels commented that, “I had no doubt that we could do this; all I have to do was go to the FFC and watch freshman stuff themselves with pizza and soft-serve in vain attempts to fill the holes left in their souls, and I know we’re the best at hopelessness.”

Despite the news, most students and faculty are proceeding with business as usual. In the library hundreds of students continue to flip through textbooks and sob quietly as their dreams evaporate. “I used to want to be an astronaut,” said Sophomore Carrie Moran, “now I just want to survive this midterm.”

Pausing for a minute from beating her head against the wall, Senior Melanie Woods said, “at Penn I would have gotten a 3.8. Why did I do this to myself, stupid masochist.” She will be graduating this May with a 2.9 and an anxiety disorder.