It seems like every frat at Hopkins is getting the boot for the same reason: “Underage Drinking.” If you want your frat to be a cut above the rest and get cut with style, here are nine ways that are sure to get you on the 9 O’Clock News.
1) Hazing
Your bread and butter of the fraternity scandal world. It’s become so common that schools just forget that it happens. Now shut up and finish this handle.
2) Bribery
Cops are cracking down harder than ever on parties. Sometimes slipping the officer a Jackson through the mail slot will work – and sometimes it leads to a man named Jackson slipping something into your mail slot in jail.
3) Throw a BDSM party
Fifty Shades of great! Everything was going great until that asshole Steve with a latex and leather allergy showed up. Fuck you, Steve!
4) Make an epileptic have a salmon-pant-induced seizure
You should have worn your Single-Strand-Off-Color-Greek-Olive corduroys instead.
5) Have a pop-punk band with a platinum single from 2007 come over
We’re looking at you Beta.
6) Have an OJ party
I’m talking about the 1968 Heisman Award winning, NFL Hall of Fame running back who killed his wife, not the fucking juice. Idiot. Just make sure there are Isotoners. Get kicked out extra quick with blackface.
7) Arson
The amount of insurance money you thought you were going to collect isn’t enough to pay your bail.
8) Invite the Cops in for some addy-coke
You were just trying to keep them alert for their all-night shift
9) Exist
Having a collection of like-minded guys hanging out all the time is how the Nazi Party was founded. Do you really think colleges want that?
The Black and Blue Jay 