Basic Freshman Starts Fire in Dorm, Ruins Tapestry

Freshman Megan Wilburn accidently started a dorm fire after her tapestry caught flame from an illegal scented candle. When asked for comment, Wilburn expressed great distress for the situation: “I don’t know what I’m going to do without my tapestry. With it gone, what’s going to be the background of my Instagrams?”

During ResLife’s investigation of the source of the fire, Wilburn said, “Well, I went out to Starbucks, and as I was leaving I guess I forgot to put out my scented candle, so my drape-y cardigan from Free People knocked it over and it set fire to my tapestry from Urban,” she said before taking a long sip of water from a plastic Mason jar with a straw.

Wilburn was aware the candle was in breach of the rules. “I know I’m not supposed to have scented candles in my suite, but like Marilyn Monroe said, ‘If I’d observed all the rules, I’d never have got anywhere,’” she explained. “Also, I need the them to mask the smell of my roommate’s IBS.”

Fortunately, the damage done was limited to little beyond her default Instagram background. “Only my tapestry and my Audrey Hepburn poster caught fire. I’m just so glad that the rest of my stuff is safe; the string of Polaroids on my wall and monogrammed pillows from Lilly Pulitzer are super flammable.”

Wilburn was last seen ordering a replacement tapestry from Etsy. She is also reportedly starting a blog/Instagram/Pinterest entitled “DIY Ombré Boho Fire Safety: with Mason Jars.”

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