Student Mistakes Crippling Depression That Will Consume Next 30 Years for Sophomore Slump

Saying he had been feeling “a little bummed out” sophomore Colin Pearson reportedly dismissed the feelings of alienation and self-loathing that will come to define the majority of his adult life as “probably just a sophomore slump.”

“You hear about this all the time,” said the man who will spend his twenties buying gerbils to appease his loneliness, “someone starts out really great and takes a little step back in their second try before really succeeding.  I mean, look at Germany: the second time they tried a world war it was a total bust, but they’re doing ok now.”

Pearson then muttered to himself, “Don’t you worry Colin, soon you’ll be just like postwar Germany.”

Pearson’s roommate, Brian Li, noted that Pearson has taken to leaving himself sticky notes with “encouraging” slogans such as, “Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed,” or “failure isn’t the end; the heat death of the universe is.”

Said Li, “I think they’re helping him.  I mean, can I see this lasting almost to his retirement age?  Sure.  But could I also see it blowing over after a killer party?  Almost definitely not, but maybe.”

When asked for a follow up, Pearson, who would respond to turning forty by buying a Harley only for it to be stolen from his driveway that same afternoon, commented, “I think I’ll be ok.  This isn’t going to engulf my future marriage and destroy the confidence of my children before culminating in me leaving my wife and living on a houseboat or anything.  A year from now, I’ll be able to look at the man in the moon without thinking how alone he must feel.”

After some thought, Pearson added, “But then he’ll be truly alone.  And I’ll be that much closer to a stony death.”  Pearson then slammed his door and played, “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow!” to hide the sound of his weeping.  Unfortunately for Pearson, “Mad World” came on immediately afterwards, escalating his tears to all-out bawling.

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