- Greet them like a dog: Nothing says “Welcome to Johns Hopkins” like a nice, long, wet lick on the cheek
- Offer them your bed: Hospitality is crucial, but so is amount of sleep you get. So once he/she falls asleep, just climb in there and assert your dominance as big spoon.
- Sexile them: Make sure you invite your boy/girlfriend over so you can allow them to experience the pain of getting kicked out of their own room… and the excitement of listening in.
- Call them a different name every time you address them: This is the only way you’ll be able to ensure his/her self-esteem doesn’t get too high.
- Ask for a prostate exam: Your bladder has been giving you a problem for over a week and your kid won’t shut the fuck up about the summer hospital job he had. Give him a latex glove and let him get to work.
- Leave your dominatrix suit and whip out “by accident”: If they seem intrigued: put it on, throw them on your bed, and tell them the safe word is “Ron Daniels”. If they seem disturbed: put it on, throw them on your bed, and tell them the safe word is “fluggaenkoecchicebolsen”. They will NEVER get it.
- Play soggy biscuit: See Google images*
- Identify with your spirit animal: When he/she goes to the bathroom, pour oil on the floor, zip yourself in their sleeping bag, and crawl around like a slug.
- Have fun with autoerotic asphyxiation: It’s a nightly ritual you have and you don’t think a visitor to your room is a valid reason to change your habits.
- Talk to them: They will be awkward, so take advantage of it.
The Black and Blue Jay 