From the Archives: Rest in Peace Johns Hopkins Spring Fair (1971-2020)

Spring Fair is alive and well, taking your (parents’) hard-earned money and herding you like cattle just for a t-shirt. This second coming of Spring Fair made us reflect on simpler times — before Covid-19, and before Calvin Smith reached the height of his power. Enjoy.

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of the Johns Hopkins Spring Fair. Spring Fair, as their friends called them, lived for 49 glorious years and brought joy into the lives of many broken Johns Hopkins students. Spring Fair was tragically murdered by Executive Director of Student Engagement Laura Stott and Student Leadership and Involvement Director Calvin Smith, Jr. Spring Fair was stabbed, gutted, and dragged down North Charles in a horrific misuse of power. Their injuries will not allow for an open casket. They are survived by their remaining members—15 freshmen who didn’t know what they were signing up for.

While some of us struggle to heal, Spring Fair’s murders add insult to injury by planning a mockery of what it once was. The Black and Blue Jay has confirmed through an anonymous source that, due to time and budget constraints, this year’s Spring Fair headliner will be the Char Mar preacher. Chicken on a Stick will not be present out of respect, but Chicken on Stick will still be there to give you food poisoning. The petting zoo will be 43 hungry and sexually frustrated Wolman rats. The children’s area will be a simple metal slide left out in the burning sun surrounded by shards of glass. 

A wake will be held next Tuesday at 8:30pm in Mattin 162. The funeral will be held April 17th through 19th on the beach. All students are expected to be shwasted. It’s what Spring Fair would have wanted. 

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