It is with great sadness that The Black and Blue Jay reports the loss of a child on a campus tour, Lacey Noseblatt, to the mysterious depths of the Gilman Seal. Her mother, Sharon Noseblatt, recounted the tragic story.
“The nice tour guide had just finished telling us all about the wonderful history of Daniel Colt Gilman, all the schools he went to and all the stained glass and stuff. Wonderful. Anyways, little Lacey got a little bored and wandered off. That’s when she touched the whoopsie.”
The ‘whoopsie,’ AKA the Gilman Seal, is the second most cursed item on Hopkins’ campus, ranking just behind the door handles to the bathrooms on D-level. It is said that whether you’re a prospective student, pre-frosh, student, grad, or beyond, putting your foot on its sacred image will result in a terrible fate.
“The vortex is new,” said Seal expert Seal Sealerson. “We’ve seen students fail out of classes, teachers lose tenure, and even a spontaneous combustion or two, but this vortex is an entirely new thing. We’re working on it.”
Sealerson went on to describe a recent communiqué sent back through the portal, written on some kind of lambskin. In it, Lacey recounts the horrors of the tomb, which looks a lot like the Archaeological Museum, only with monuments to student suffering instead of archaeological findings. An old robed man, presumably DCG himself, stands watch over a candle that must remain burning at all times in order to keep the library open.
“That’s fucked up,” said a stunned Sealerson. “We had no idea that’d be going on down there. We figured worst case scenario she’d just be dead. We didn’t expect some kind of hellish landscape. That’s fucked right up.”
Current attempts to excavate below the Seal were hampered when one rogue student attempted a rescue mission. In the dead of night, she snuck into Gilman, and stomped onto the Seal. She was escorted to Hell Well the next day after she began speaking in tongues.
“Yowza,” said another. “Think I could use that on my Spanish midterm?”
As of press time, no other word has been received from Lacey Noseblatt.
UPDATE: As of yesterday, another message has been received from the depths of the Tomb. Lacey described her surroundings as ‘growing on her’ and ‘still better than the room Mommy leaves me in.’ Child Protective Services have taken Sharon Noseblatt into custody.