What is your annual income for the 2014 financial year?

 

What is your Social Security Number (SSN)?

 

What is your credit card number and expiration date?

 

What is your home address? When will you next be out of town?

 

Do you have a home security system?

 

If you answered yes to the previous question, please describe your home security system in detail below (e.g. alarm locations, number of laser tripwires, number of vicious feral cats unleashed if alarm set off, etc.).

 

Further identification is required. Please scan and submit a copy of your fingerprints to us.

 

If you have any gold buried anywhere, what are the coordinates of the burial site? If the gold is guarded by angry leprechauns, ghost pirates, or sexually frustrated mermaids, please indicate this in the space below.

 

Do you possess two (2) healthy, functioning kidneys? Have you considered sacrificing a kidney to pay for your/your child’s education (lungs, eyes, and high quality human hair are alternatives that will also be accepted)?

 

If you are the current primary owner of your soul, are you willing to sell it to pay for your/your child’s education? If you are not the current primary owner of your soul, please use the space below to name the Dark Mage, Illuminati member, or Hopkins professor currently in possession of your soul.

 

Estimated financial aid for the 2015 – 2016 academic year: $0

 

Thank you for using The Black and Blue Jay Financial Aid Calculator! We will update you via email in a few weeks to update you on all the fun shit we did with your credit card information. In the meantime, it is recommended that you fill out and submit the FUFSA^TM to make sure you’ve received your federal financial aid from the Ukrainian government.