Hopkins officials have taken action to combat growing skepticism about the safety of fraternity houses. A Blue Light system, similar to those seen around and near the Homewood Campus, has recently been installed in the basement of a beloved fraternity house in order to ensure the safety of its visitors.
“We love going to the house,” says a group of ten freshmen girls in unison, on the corner of North Calvert and 32nd. “They have a bar and everything!”
Says one of the young women, “Campus security has assured us that any call from that particular Blue Light would be of the highest priority. Now, we can hang out there all the time without worrying about being harassed by creeps. We can party there, study, eat, do our laundry…”
Adds a young man straggling in the back of the group, “Sometimes I like to just go there to take a nap. It’s even air conditioned!”
Even the fraternity brothers are already feeling an impact.
“Why are these people here all the time?” asks exhausted brother, Chip “The Chip-man” Johnson. “They used to want to get back before it got too sketchy to walk home. Now, we’re the safest place off campus. They never. Leave.”
While the intended purpose of the Blue Light system is to catalyze responses to assault and emergency cases, campus security has received calls for a number of reasons ranging from complaints about Hopkins WiFi, to requests for help on organic chemistry homework. Some officers say that students have been abusing the system.
“We’ve been mooned several times,” says security guard Mark Gonzalez. “They just hold their butts right up to the camera. We’ve seen some shit.”
Further reports called in by students include predictions of vomiting in the near future, attempts to place Insomnia Cookie orders, and reports that “Big Johnny just put his beer in the washing machine, please help.”
The positive response from students has been so overwhelming, that updated Blue Lights with automated dialing systems are currently being developed. Speed dial options will now include “Press 1 to report creepy dude scoping you out in the corner” and “Press 2 for take-out.”